I pray….I seek…..I wrestle and sometimes bargain…I shed my tears…..I breathe deeply…I listen…I am strengthened…..more waiting.
My bag of rocks are in my hand.. They are all marked and represent tangible evidence, an accounting of God working in my life since my earliest memory. I have a new one ready and waiting to become the next faith marker. Picking them up and remembering helps in the silence, in the doubting, in the waiting.
The waiting began two year ago; a roller coaster with no end in sight until today. I have been preparing myself for this day, to stand strong no matter the outcome, to believe God has his best for me and my family.
The ring of the phone shatters the silence. It is time. Am I really ready?
The voice on the other end is uneven. Discouragement reaches through the phone and grabs me around the neck. I struggle to breathe evenly as the news becomes reality with every spoken word. In a single moment life is changing for us, for our family, for a part of our lives we have poured into.
Words….I love words. I ask myself, “What am I feeling?” Numb. It is the only word my mind can find in this moment of upheaval.
Questions….harmless enough…..”How could it go this way? Where do we go from here?”
My mind races trying to find some form of understanding, and the numbness is soon trampled by fleshly emotions.
Two years of emotions rise to the surface and begin to bubble over and expand. I feel, I cry, and I speak the words I vowed not to utter. “God, I don’t understand; I trusted you.” The doubting and aching begin.
God wasted no time in answering me:
“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord.
For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts.” Is. 55: 8-9 (NIV)
Words I have hidden in my heart for such a time as this. My flesh pushes them away.
Confusion is creating a fog. I did not expect this. There is no good in this decision. There is no hope in this outcome. There is no promise in this path. “Why God….why?”
My spirit reels. The tears flow, and I am crushed. Life makes no sense in this moment. I want to run. It’s always what I want to do when the hurting becomes unbearable. It is my first instinct, the same as when I was a child. Run! Get as far away from the hurt as possible.
Long gone is childhood, and wisdom has taught me that running is not the correct response. But I cannot stay in this place.
I need fresh air…..