How would you describe your inner critic?

Anxious. Mean. Fearful. Passive aggressive. Accusatory.

Mine is usually quite anxious and fearful. She is often loud, repetitive, and willing to say whatever it takes to make sure her voice is heard. She isn’t concerned with making me feel good or helping me be my best. Her words drum on until I feel small, insecure or confused.

Our inner critics have a way of knowing all of our vulnerabilities, and they are experts at crafting the perfect message that rings as truth. Some have the ability to cut us off at the knees, sending us reeling and wondering if we really deserve the very thing we most desire. Others cut deep with their words, stopping us in our tracks with their harsh and condemning tone, shaming us with abrupt and hurtful words.

You’re not good enough,

They’ll never accept you.

You’re going to fail.

You’ll make a fool of yourself.

You don’t have what it takes.

It’s too hard.

You don’t really want that.

It’s too scary.

Who do you think you are?

Our inner critic never waits to be invited in. She barges into our thoughts, and her words send ripples of doubt and insecurity straight to our core. She is familiar with every nuance of our being because she’s been with us for a long time, trying to protect us and get us through the hard, unpredictable, and anxious challenges. There was a time when she helped us cope.

But the inner critic was never meant to occupy the driver’s seat of your life.

She may be loud, mean and scary, but we can choose not to give her oxygen. We can choose not to believe her words, and we can always choose to break ties with her. She probably won’t listen. She’ll persist and try to talk over us, especially when we’re trying something new.

 

 

So how do we break up with our inner critic?

The process doesn’t have to be difficult, but it is necessary for us to live as our truest and happiest selves. Breaking up is equal to detaching. We know she’s there; she’ll always be a part of us. In breaking up, we actively choose to not identify with the messages and this disarms our inner critic so we can go about the business of building or re-building self-love.

If your inner critic is taking up space in the driver’s seat, keeping you from moving on in an area, sabotaging your decisions or causing you to be critical of yourself, the following process might be helpful to stop the chatter and regain control. When power is removed from our inner critic, we are free to flourish with greater self-forgiveness and self-compassion.

 

Connect with your inner critic.

It’s been my experience that when I stopped trying to ignore her and instead chose to meet her face to face, I saw her more fully.

Our inner critic is no longer scary when we realize she is the part of us that is scared. She is no longer mean when we realize she is the part of us that is anxious. She’s no longer so hurtful because we realize she is the part of us that’s been hurt.

Connecting with our inner critic helps us recognize her as a part of us that no longer serves us.

What we resist persists, so by acknowledging her presence without judgment and without attempting to ignore her, we remove her from the driver’s seat.

If you had to name your inner critic, what would you call her?

I’ve named mine Anxious Abby, and I know her well. She loves it when I play small or stay in the background and play it safe.

You don’t have to spend a lot of time thinking about it. Her name will rise to the top as soon as you bring to mind the messages she’s delivered over and over again. Naming her is powerful and profound as we begin to transfer power back to ourselves.

 

Catch your inner critic

Awareness is key to growing and becoming our best and truest selves. Having awareness of the circumstances that create the perfect space for our inner critic to surface makes us better able to identify her words and anticipate her tactics. She won’t hold the same power over us, to make us doubt ourselves, our potential, or our identity.

I know that my inner critic is going to come out in the open when I’m on the edge of growth. She gets loud when I’m on the verge of taking a risk. During my most vulnerable times, she steps in to try and take the wheel.

Not that long ago, while weighing a decision that required a financial investment in myself and my future, she showed up again. Her words reminded me that I was about to step outside my comfort zone. She questioned whether it was really what I wanted, told me it was going to be too hard, and even suggested that I wouldn’t be taken seriously.

I caught onto her pretty quickly.

Knowing when to expect our inner critic helps us prepare so we’re not caught off guard or buy into the messages shot like arrows into our hearts. We don’t have to battle her. We see her, we acknowledge her and we begin the process of moving on without her.

 

Close the door to your inner critic.

When our inner critic barges into our thoughts with her well-crafted words, we don’t have to let her in because this only gives her more opportunity to spin her false truth. If someone in our life were to speak to us like our inner critic, we would be direct about what is and isn’t okay with us and we’d decide what access that person could or couldn’t have to us.

This goes for our inner critic as well. Once we know her, anticipate her, and understand why she’s in our heads, we can limit access by simply choosing to close the door without inviting her in. If we know her message doesn’t serve us then why would we keep company with her?

Part of closing the door is recognizing we have the choice to do so. We don’t have to believe the message.

 

Compassionately connect with your true self.

It takes time to detach from the messages our inner critic has been recycling through the years. Showing compassion for our inner critic allows us to show compassion to ourselves. So when we decide to close the door on the messages we are so well acquainted with, we have the opportunity to compassionately connect with ourselves in a new way.

One of the best tools I’ve found to replace the voice of my inner critic is a pep talk from my future self.

Think of it in the same way you would encourage your best friend. Friends can see the best versions of each other, and we often encourage one from this place. A future self pep talk is just that, encouragement from your future self which represents the best version of you. It’s a time to express what is real and true, and it serves to recenter and ground us in who we know ourselves to be.

Replacing the inner critic’s false truth with affirming and authentic truth goes a long way in cultivating self-love. Pep talks can take so many forms. Verbal affirming statements, written affirming notes, sticky notes on the mirror or door. You get to choose what works for you.

 

The goal is to detach from your inner critic and connect with yourself in the same affirming and compassionate way you would connect with your best friend.

You are always more than enough.

You’re already accepted.

It’s okay to want whatever you want.

You can do hard things.

You’re resourceful enough to figure this out.

It’s okay to be yourself.

You owe it to yourself to try.

We’ll do this together.

It may be a bit uncomfortable at first, which is why it takes practice. After years of listening to our inner critic, it takes time to reprogram and create new neuropathways that are more compassionate and loving.

The practice yields so many rich rewards, and none of it is in vain. Because as we connect with and offer more compassionate truth to ourselves, it affects how we offer the same to others. We become less judgemental and more accepting and forgiving of the human condition we all experience.

Loving others well begins with loving ourselves well.