After a long day at work, he walked in through the kitchen door and with urgency came to me as I stood over the stove. He seemed to ignore my busyness and put his arms around me.

For a split second, I thought something had changed. Hope welled up inside me, but then in a mocking voice came words that told me I was wrong.

“How was your day”, he asked? Before I had a chance to respond he rolled his eyes and walked away. I picked my heart up off the floor and quickly tucked it safely in the back pocket of my jeans like I had done so many times before.

Dinner was served and another night of meaningless conversation was etched on the calendar of our marriage.

The day before, I went out on a limb and told him we don’t talk anymore. No more sweet conversations about our lives and our love. And that he never asked me about my day.

Instead of being brave and trying again I just tended to my broken heart. I stopped the bleeding, put on another band-aid and parked my heart on a shelf of my soul. Deeper this time than the last; hoping it would be safer next time.

That was 20-plus years ago. We were young and God wasn’t a part of our marriage. He didn’t know how to nurture and protect my heart. And I was too insecure and lacked the repeated and consistent bravery it took to keep trying despite the failures.

Don’t get me wrong, there were good times and he did some wonderful things, but life happens in the small moments; in the everyday. We are all bidding for attention and connection in our relationships and especially in our marriage.

These bids for connection often slip by unnoticed. They end up being stored together in a secret place in our hearts; like a bank vault. Then our minds tally them all up. The curious thing though, is the good small moments don’t carry as much weight as the bad small moments.

My marriage ended in divorce a decade and two children after it began. To learn what happened, I spent a lot of time with a trusted counselor and finally responded to God’s love.

You might be thinking, what does a divorced woman know about marriage, but settle in; you’re about to
find out!

Create Habits that Invite Connection

Look at your calendar – right now, go ahead. I’ll wait. Is your husband scheduled in? If you asked him, “Where am I on your calendar?” Would he be able to show you time slots reserved just for you?

I came across a survey of 1,000 married couples that cited most of them said they only connected in quality conversation about 30 minutes a week. That’s alarming.

Dr. Kim Kimberling suggests a daily check-in habit; time set aside for the sole purpose of connecting.

How was your day? What’s God speaking into you? Anything funny happen today?  What was the best worst thing about today?

You get the idea. If you’ve already drifted apart, start slow; once or twice a week. But know this, it needs to be scheduled and it needs to be a priority. Use technology to set reminders.

And like every good marriage counselor will tell you, try not to allow the conversation to be predominantly about the kids. We live in a very child-centric culture, but if your marriage suffers your children will too. Model the importance of a spouse and they, in turn, will place a high value on their spouse.

And bonus…Checking in helps you recall the good small moments that you both will store up in your bank vault. It will draw you closer and keep you connected.

Be Responsive to His Bids for Attention

Often our husbands cast out a line fishing for some attention. Many times though we miss or even ignore the bait. We can get so caught up in the busyness of daily life that without even realizing it we’ve put our husband on the back burner and turned the burner off.

We tend to think we are the needy ones vying for attention, but everyone has a deep-seated need to belong, to be loved and to be noticed. God created us that way. And while we won’t always do it perfectly, we can be intentional, slow down our pace, and take the bait.

Watch your guy light up when you sit and watch him fix something in the garage, play with the kids or even watch a game with him. If you need to let some other things go in order to connect with him, do it. He’s worth it and so are you.

Be Brave Against the Current

Relationships get caught up in the current of life and can pull you apart. It’s like when you are swimming and jumping waves on the beach and suddenly you look up and your blanket and beach bag is 60 feet away. The waves slowly pulled you away from home base without you even realizing it.

Marriages can be like that. A faint, undetectable current that has the strength to pull you apart over time can take you far from home base. As soon as you recognize it someone needs to be brave enough to start the hard work of swimming against the current back to one another.

Be intentional about finding each other, keeping each other, and battling the current that threatens your lives.

Bravely Pursue Your Husband

Don’t get stuck on the well-intentioned, but misguided advice that the man must initiate everything. We are called to serve one another in marriage. Waiting on him to always initiate is a mistake and a burden. So, if he doesn’t, you can and should.

Pursue him emotionally, spiritually, and physically. And if you’re still rolling your eyes, I have one word for you…Ruth.

Don’t Let Life Zap the Fun Out of Your Marriage

Life, kids and the intentionality you need to pour into your marriage can take all the fun out of it. Continue to date and be sure to mix it up. Do something fun; something brave. Take up a new sport together. Go to a cooking class. Find a cool park or beach for a change of scenery. Celebrate each other in new and different ways.

When I look back, the biggest thing that stood in my way was insecurity and the fear of being rejected. Rather than risk rejection and keep getting back up on the horse, I suffered the ultimate rejection of divorce.

I never took my broken heart to the only one who could truly fix it. The one who could nurse it back to health with just a word; who could give me the courage and bravery to fight for my marriage yet
another day.

God is with you and your marriage. Take the risk and don’t wait for your husband to initiate.

You are brave, and your marriage is worth it!

Her career has taken her through several fields – Sales, Business Management, Human Resources, and Training and Development. She has mentored and developed other leaders.

Today her passion has transitioned to writing about her faith journey at her blog Journey to Him. She reveals her heart as she encounters God through single parenthood, career, dating, and everyday life. She hopes to lead others into and through their faith journey one trial and triumph at a time.

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Catch Up On Previous Made for Brave Stories…Here

Sisters, we are called to walk the way of hope instead of the way of defeat.  We must claim more than our title of “Daughter of the King.” We must step up and also claim our position.

And we must claim these together. As a sisterhood; a sisterhood of brave women who stand strong in the promises of who God is and who we are.

• We all are Made for Brave.
• We are made to live for something authentic and brave.
• In living brave, we silence the past, transform the future, and take a front row seat to God’s wild and uncontainable love!

So, I’m inviting you to join this Made for Brave Sisterhood, each Monday as we share our stories and allow God to bring hope and healing. Let’s commit to being authentic and brave, one step at a time, side by side, holding each other up and nudging each other toward our true selves. And let’s claim the victory waiting on the other side of brave; for ourselves and our sisterhood.

Let’s celebrate our tears and our struggles as we peel away the layers of fear to reveal the beauty of brave.

Let’s risk everything that brave requires for everything that brave has to offer…

Becoming who we were created to be!

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